It's a hard knock life.

2nd

2009-12-10T04:24:00.002+08:00

2 months. =)

Updates !!!

2009-11-14T16:41:00.000+08:00

Dear Aza,

I just updated my blog. =p

Happy

2009-10-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

It has been more than a month and i am happy. =) I just want to thank you. =)

First train

2009-09-21T05:09:00.002+08:00

I just cant believe it. The first train from City Hall to Bedok starts at 0630hrs on a public holiday. Goodness...

小情歌

2009-09-08T06:24:00.002+08:00

这是一首简单的小情歌
唱着人们心肠的曲折
我想我很快乐
当有你的温热
脚边的空气转了
唱着我们心头的白鸽
我想我很适合
当一个歌颂者
青春在风中飘着
你知道就算大雨让这座城市颠倒
我会给你怀抱
受不了看见你背影来到
写下我度秒如年难捱的离骚
就算整个世界被寂寞绑票
我也不会奔跑
逃不了最后谁也都苍老
写下我时间和琴声交错的城堡

I am getting happier as the days goes by.. At long last.

Maybe

2009-09-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

Maybe i am better.

I guess i am feeling happier.

Old habits die hard.

2009-08-17T00:23:00.002+08:00

Recently i have been sleeping on the sofa in my living room. I will just fall asleep for no reason. This whole thing reminds me of you. In the past, i would nag at you for sleeping on your sofa whenever you reach home from work and now it is my turn to do this. Am i doing this sub-consciously because i still cant let you go?

I didnt expect myself to let go just like this. I just dont like the process. It really hurts.

On a brighter note, Aza, thanks for accompanying me that night at Mac and TopOne. Without your company, i will have no idea what i am going to do just to make the feeling go away.

痛

2009-08-08T05:56:00.001+08:00

Maybe Han Fen was right.

一但习惯, 心就不会痛了.

Blurry

2009-08-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

Everything so blurry and everyone so fake.
Everybody is empty and everything is so messed up.
Preoccupied without you, i cannot live at all, my whole world surrounds you.
I stumble and i crawl.
You could be my someone.
You could be my scene.
You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene.
I wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are.
There's an ocean between us but that is not very far.

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me.

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face.

Everyone is changing, there is no one left that's real.
So make up your own ending and let me know just how you feel.
Cause i am lost without you, i cannot live at all.
My whole world surrounds you.
I stumble and i crawl.
And you could be my someone.
You could be my scene.
And know that i will save you from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing, i wonder where you are.
There is oceans in between us but that's not very far.

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shove it in my face, this pain you gave to me!!!

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me!!!

Nobody told me what you thought, nobody told me what to say.
Everyone told you where to turn, told you when to run away.
Nobody told you where to hide,nobody told you what to say.
Everyone showed you where to turn, showed you when to run away.

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
This pain you gave to meeeeeeeeee!!!
Take it all away!!!
Take it all away!!!

Birthday..

2009-07-12T05:35:00.003+08:00

My birthday 19 June 2009

I spent my birthday having training in my hotel. I was rather shocked that they did a surprise party for me. It was totally unexpected and i really appreciate it.

Later on was dinner with my parent. It has been a long time since the 4 of us sat down and have dinner. I could see my mum smiling.

Had some drinks with my close friends at my hotel's lounge and it was my treat of course. After which we went to a joint called Supper Club. I drank quite a bit and was rather high. Didnt have that kinda feeling for quite some time.

I am 27 years old this year. I need to pull up my socks and work hard. It seems like i am quicksand. Falling back in the failure i was many years ago.

Thoughts...

2009-07-12T05:23:00.003+08:00

I have not been blogging for quite sometime now. It is not that i have nothing to blog. It is just that the words just cant seem to come out right.

Work

Due to the current recession, it is 1 manager to do 3 person's job. I am ok with it. I dont mind the hardship. It is just that the human resource department in my company aint doing shit about anything. Sending people on training when manpower is down. Throwing their weight around when it comes to issues like updating some attendence thing online. Goodness....

And promotion? Waited for 2 years. I am totally numb from hearing about me getting promotion. Once i settle all my stuffs, i will resign by next year. Time to seek greener pasture.

Life

Life for the moment is on a stand still. I am trying to move on from my previous relationship. It seems like she has moved on. I am glad and at the same time sad. Glad that she might be happier without me around. Sad that we have became strangers overnight.

Family

Mum and Dad are not doing well. Sleeping on seperate beds and have no common topic to talk or communicate. There is nothing much i can do except to be there for the both of them when the need arises.

Friends

Seems like everyone is getting married except a certain few. I have to learn to do things alone as it wouldnt be nice if i cant expect them to accompany me when they have their own families to take care of.

I know i can go through all these by myself as this is not the first time shit happens all at one go. It is just a matter of time before things starts to go right.

A happy fucking 27th birthday to me.

2009-06-19T00:21:00.002+08:00

19 June. My birthday. A very black birthday. Too many things on my mind.

Oh well...

2009-06-11T18:41:00.002+08:00

Things seems so different now. Everything in my life seems so different. Losing touch with friends. Colleagues resigning from work. Talking lesser to mum and dad. Finding a chore to head to work everyday. Or maybe i just want to be alone?

How contradicting. I know i need to be alone to find back my true self but yet i dread this kind of feeling, loneliness.

Oh well.....

Life still goes on... and on.... and on...

The only thing that is constant in this world is change.

Moving on.

2009-06-08T23:30:00.002+08:00

For the past one month or so, i have been doing everything most by myself.
Having lunch alone before i start work.
Walking around aimlessly alone after work.
Going straight home after work even if i am off the next day.

I guess i am just not used to you not being around.
I know we promised each other that we'll need to move on.
And moving on is not easy. Period.
Life is just so colourless.
It is all black and white.
And seems like you are moving on fine.

Why am i feeling this way when it was a mutual agreement between us that we move on with our life?
So much so that i feel very lonely on many occasions.
Part of me feels glad that you are doing fine.
Other part of me feels terrible that you are not in my life anymore.

Decision...

2009-05-26T23:47:00.003+08:00

I have made up my mind.
I shall not be troubled by anything anymore.
I just want to find back myself and live my life the way i did 4 years ago.
No troubles from affairs of the heart.
I just want to be me.

Lately i do admit that some things really got me down.
Death of friends.
Family problems.
Work problems.

I want take everything in my stride now.
I just want to be me.

Happenings..

2009-05-25T23:47:00.003+08:00

2 friends passed away within the past 2 months. Both committed suicide.

Although they were acquintances but somewhere somehow, they used to be part of my life while i was in the army. A few days back, i went to one of their funeral. It just so happened that the deceased is a nephew of my friend and i felt it was the right thing to do. Upon seeing the body, i felt a sudden ache in my heart. He was a young man. A very kind hearted man. He took very good care of me while i was having my training in Brunei. Looking at his father's face, the ache hurts much more. His pale face. His sunken cheeks. His watery eyes. The tears of a father. He was his only son. My friend (the uncle) looked well to me but i could guess pretty much that he was very sad as well and he is just trying to hold it back. As a parent or elder, you are suppose to buy a baby crib for your kids, not a coffin.

It made me realised that life is too precious. Life is too fragile. Too pass on by natural causes is acceptable but by taking your own life is indirectly hurting your love ones and the people who care for you.

If YOU are reading this blog, i hope you wont take your life again. No one is worth for you to end your life. If a person dont treasure you, someone else will.

Too many negative things happening to me for the past 3 months. I need to find back myself urgently.

Emo....

2009-05-22T01:37:00.000+08:00

ARGH!!!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ?!?!?!?!?!?

Marriage

2009-05-04T04:34:00.005+08:00

I am still trying to get used to life without you. 3 years of efforts and love i cant deny. And i guess you are right. It is time to move on. And i am really trying very hard to move on. Out of the sudden, my world just seems quieter and less vibrant as before. Maybe it is because you are no longer around.

I guess during the night time, it is the best time to blog. Right now, i just feel so useless. Looking around, i see my friends having a justifiable amount of salary and happily married. And me? I am still holding a less than $30k per annum job and 'happily' single. What is happening? People my age are talking about marriage and here i am still pondering on the purpose of getting married. Some friends say the reason why i am behaving this way is because of the industry i work in. Some say it is because i have not met the 'ONE' yet and the 'ONE' might be around but i have no idea who she is. Some say it is because of what happened to my parents. I say it is all of the above. Oh well....

Sorry

2009-05-02T05:14:00.004+08:00

It is not easy for me trying to get over you. 3 years of feelings i cant ignore but i am really tired. I dont want to live in insecurity anymore. After what had happened i just lost myself. Whenever you are not contactable, i panicked. My hands trembled. My heart beat starts increasing. I have placed in my efforts but to no avail. I am sick and tired of this kind of life. Whenever i bring up the matter, you chose to ignore and not explain. Things always happen and it is always my fault. I just want to find back myself.

I am sorry. I am sorry for my mistakes in the past. You deserve someone better.

Thank you

2009-04-28T03:59:00.003+08:00

Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the laughter.
Thank you for the tears.
Thank you for being with me through my fears.
Thank you for your silly action during my tough times.
Thank you for being there to make me smile.

Thank you.

A sudden rush of emotions

2009-04-04T01:24:00.000+08:00

Date: 4 April Friday

Time: 0130hrs

Venue: Marina Mandarin Hotel

Purpose: Work

Usually working on a weekend is a norm for me. Recently, i kinda envy people who work office hours and 5 days week. It seems like their life are more enriching, more colourful, more interesting. But i guess i have only myself to blame.

I was never good at studying. I spent 5 years in secondary school when i can finish it in 4 years. I flunked my diploma in SHATEC. I gave my part time studies on Mass Communications because it was too tiring for me to balance work and studies at the same time.

One month before i finished my National Service, i figured i need to find something to do after life in the army. I didnt want to become a bum who stays at home do nothing. Luckily i managed to get a job at Marina Mandarin, a place with familiar faces because i did my attachment here during my SHATEC days.

The only thing i can be proud of is my promotion. Shortly after joining the hotel as a rank and file staff, i was promoted to an Assistant Manager. Although it is the most junior ranked among the manager position, my heart was brimming with pride because the promotion speaks volume of the hard work i have placed in my job. There was no celebration, just a simple dinner treat for my mum and dad. Although they didnt say anything, i knew they were proud of me because this was the only time i have made them proud.

Strangely, i have been having a sudden rush of emotions for the past 2 days. Goodness. What exactly is happening to me? An unofficial relationship, a promotion that was promised 2 years ago but not given, friends changing for the worse, parents sleeping on different beds.

I really want to break free from all these troubles. I want to break free from all these insecurities. I want to break free from all these sadness & anguish.