Decision...

I have made up my mind.
I shall not be troubled by anything anymore.
I just want to find back myself and live my life the way i did 4 years ago.
No troubles from affairs of the heart.
I just want to be me.

Lately i do admit that some things really got me down.
Death of friends.
Family problems.
Work problems.

I want take everything in my stride now.
I just want to be me.

Happenings..

2 friends passed away within the past 2 months. Both committed suicide.

Although they were acquintances but somewhere somehow, they used to be part of my life while i was in the army. A few days back, i went to one of their funeral. It just so happened that the deceased is a nephew of my friend and i felt it was the right thing to do. Upon seeing the body, i felt a sudden ache in my heart. He was a young man. A very kind hearted man. He took very good care of me while i was having my training in Brunei. Looking at his father's face, the ache hurts much more. His pale face. His sunken cheeks. His watery eyes. The tears of a father. He was his only son. My friend (the uncle) looked well to me but i could guess pretty much that he was very sad as well and he is just trying to hold it back. As a parent or elder, you are suppose to buy a baby crib for your kids, not a coffin.

It made me realised that life is too precious. Life is too fragile. Too pass on by natural causes is acceptable but by taking your own life is indirectly hurting your love ones and the people who care for you.

If YOU are reading this blog, i hope you wont take your life again. No one is worth for you to end your life. If a person dont treasure you, someone else will.

Too many negative things happening to me for the past 3 months. I need to find back myself urgently.

Emo....

ARGH!!!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ?!?!?!?!?!?

Marriage

I am still trying to get used to life without you. 3 years of efforts and love i cant deny. And i guess you are right. It is time to move on. And i am really trying very hard to move on. Out of the sudden, my world just seems quieter and less vibrant as before. Maybe it is because you are no longer around.

I guess during the night time, it is the best time to blog. Right now, i just feel so useless. Looking around, i see my friends having a justifiable amount of salary and happily married. And me? I am still holding a less than $30k per annum job and 'happily' single. What is happening? People my age are talking about marriage and here i am still pondering on the purpose of getting married. Some friends say the reason why i am behaving this way is because of the industry i work in. Some say it is because i have not met the 'ONE' yet and the 'ONE' might be around but i have no idea who she is. Some say it is because of what happened to my parents. I say it is all of the above. Oh well....

Sorry

It is not easy for me trying to get over you. 3 years of feelings i cant ignore but i am really tired. I dont want to live in insecurity anymore. After what had happened i just lost myself. Whenever you are not contactable, i panicked. My hands trembled. My heart beat starts increasing. I have placed in my efforts but to no avail. I am sick and tired of this kind of life. Whenever i bring up the matter, you chose to ignore and not explain. Things always happen and it is always my fault. I just want to find back myself.

I am sorry. I am sorry for my mistakes in the past. You deserve someone better.